Sleepless in St. Paul

I can't sleep tonight...the other night was the same. I have applied for several jobs that I thought I had a good chance of landing. The most recent was St. Richard's; I asked at least a dozen people to pray for me. Why did God not listen to these prayers? I don't want to hear "There is a job that God has for you--be patient".

Two weeks ago I was let go from my job at church. My feelings toward this are mixed; I knew that it was time to move on, but I didn't like the way the pastor did it...typical of the Catholic Church.

I'm currently waiting to hear about a job that I've interviewed for. My patience level is almost zero! I've interviewed three times and feel good about each round, however the waiting is killing me, probably because I realize there isn't anything else in my field out there right now. I'll probably end up working at Target or a grocery store...what a waste.

But I know I must be positive, creating positive energy waves to the universe. My constant prayer is for two things tonight--patience and to get the job!

I don't mean to ramble, but I can't sleep right now.

The Matrix, philosophy & religion (part 2)

The Matrix: Red vs Blue Pill (part 1)

The red and blue pill are visuals used by rebels inside the matrix to make potential rebels choose between remaining plugged to the matrix or being freed. Morpheus offers Neo the choice between blue or red pill during their first encounter.

He explains that taking the blue pill will make Neo wake up in his bed without memory of the last events, believing whatever he wants, while the red pill would keep him inside the real world, unplugging him from the matrix that imprisons his mind.
Quote: "This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes" (Morpheus).
Hence, the blue pill would keep the person unaware of its actual state of being plugged to the matrix.
Cypher, the rebel and crew member of the Nebuchadnezzar, who will become a traitor, once utters to Neo: "I know what you're thinking, 'cause right now I'm thinking the same thing. Actually, I've been thinking it ever since I got here. Why, oh why didn't I take the blue pill? 

 

Reconnecting With Friends

Thank goodness for Facebook!  In the past week I had the opportunity to reconnect with several longtime friends from high school and college.

Actually I had to be reminded that I only knew them both for really only one year.  Jim had transferred in his senior year, and to be honest I don’t remember how I ultimately met Steve.  But several times per week we would get together and play several games religiously for a year:  Risk, and Dungeons & Dragons.  Then there was the weekend gaming marathons, breaking the bread of our lives in the fellowship of the ring, so to speak.  I’ve thought of these two friends countless times over the past 20 years, wondering how their lives turned out, wishing we could talk about old times.  And so, this week, I finally got my wish and reconnected with them both, all because of Facebook.  We caught up on each other’s lives, and it was almost like time hadn’t passed at all.

The other friends were Chris and Shelly.  They were practically my idols when I was a freshman at Viterbo.  We were all trumpet majors with Dr. Gregory our band director.  I remember a trip we took from La Crosse to Winona to try out some fancy new rotary trumpets at some music store—we got a polishing cloth each out of it.   It was a magical time of my life.  Anyway, Shelly added me as a friend on FB and we emailed back and forth reminiscing.  Then I asked her if she had kept in contact with Chris; next thing I knew Chris added me as a friend, and we will probably get together sometime next week for coffee, as he will be up in the cities over Holy Week.

I don’t believe in coincidences.  I think there is a reason these four people came back into my life, and I’m sure it is a good one.  So if any of the four of you are reading this blog, thank you for sharing your life with me.  I look forward to many more years of reminiscing!

Sacrament of Reconciliation

Confession.  The thought brings up chills in so many people’s minds and hearts.  Whether because of a negative incident as a child or by feeling inadequate to seek out the sacrament because of unworthiness.  In any of these cases, it doesn’t matter.  Consider the following…

Isaac had his first reconciliation this past weekend. I participated with him for several reasons; 1. because I wanted to put forth a positive image of the sacrament for him; 2. Believe it or not, I wanted to go. I never get a chance because I’m always playing music during our penance services. Although I firmly believe in form C, general absolution, it still felt good to go. One of the songs we sang was called “Loving and Forgiving” by Scott Soper (OCP Breaking Bread #672). I have prayed this psalm perhaps 50 times and it hit me just at the right moment. Verse three says: “Good and gracious is the Lord, slow to anger, rich in love. God remembers not our sins; forgiving and loving is God.” God remembers not our sins. Very powerful stuff! Just think about it: if we are forgiven, God’s mercy is so great that our sin isn’t even remembered. It is us that get in the way of true forgiveness because we have minds that remember our past hurts. God is the only one who can forgive and forget. Truly. Anyway, I felt much better afterwards, which is the point of the sacrament.

The Economy

OK, I’m a Franciscan; non-traditional, but a Franciscan none the less.  Although I like my gadgets, I try to live a simple lifestyle, not being concerned about my status, what I wear, etc.  As a matter of fact I have only a couple sets of dress clothes which I mix and match, and a couple hoodies that I wear with my Tau cross. 

However here’s the kicker…there will be 1 or possibly 2 of us who will lose our jobs at Annunciation.   I guess there is no one who is safe in this economy, not even in the church.

Perhaps I’m paying off some kind of karmic debt.  This isn’t the first time this situation has happened to me in my life.  Actually it’s happened at almost every place I’ve worked, with the exception of St. Patrick’s.  If one believes in past lives perhaps I was an obnoxious boss who didn’t care about his/her workers.  Or maybe I worked for the church and actually enjoyed being treated well.  The possibilities are endless!

Now, with regard to my Franciscan ideals, but I just don’t want to go through the whole process again. I’m starting to feel more at ease about having to find a new job, but I have just a little anxiety of not knowing how this will all turn out . I always end up finding something, and it is usually a good move for me. 

One of my favorite passages is from Matthew 6, very Franciscan in nature:

Do Not Worry
  ²⁵ "Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? ²⁶Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?
  ²⁷Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?
  ²⁸"So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; ²⁹and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. ³⁰Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
  ³¹"Therefore do not worry, saying, "What shall we eat?' or "What shall we drink?' or "What shall we wear?' ³²For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. ³³But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. ³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

I sure love this…do not worry about these things but seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness…This is how I try to live my life.  Sometimes it is easier than other times, but it goes back to what I said yesterday:  When I feel like I am not free and God isn’t listening to me, it is at this point—a point in the heart—that I try to make a clear choice for God.

Free Will

The fact that I desire the Creator and feel nothing back leads me to the most important act of free will, to CHOOSE to turn to the Light despite any feelings of presence.  "How much easier would life be if the Creator were not concealed from human beings, but were clearly perceived and seen by each and every one of us!" (Rav Laitman)

I didn’t find Kabbalah; Kabbalah found me.

Kabbalah notes

I attend an ongoing online class in Kabbalah.  Yesterday we were invited to attend a global class from Israel.  I was interested in asking a question, and it happened to be asked online:

"As a beginning student, how do I introduce concepts that I understand already to friends/relatives that might be interested?"

My teacher, Michael Laitman's answers to these questions...

1. The world is global--we are connected to everyone on the planet via globalization
   
2. The Kabbalists said the world really started to feel the Kabbalistic concepts from the early 1960's
3. So today we finally see the connection.
4. Nature needs to be in a state of balance.
5. The stories and facts are alright to share.

Probably the most important answer for society today is #1:  we are connected to everyone on the planet via world globalization; he was emphatic about this.  So he answered my question first by giving me the message that should be conveyed, then by saying that it's ok to share these ideas.  Until we reach a critical mass of people in the world who will subscribe to this idea, until we realize that the root of all problems in the world is the fact that we don't recognize that our egos get in the way of connecting with our neighbors we will not have peace.  This is so basic and so logical, but until all 7 billion people on the planet realize this we will NOT have global peace.  As a matter of fact, things will get worse before they get better.

I was on cloud nine when they announced my name for a question:  "And Jay from St. Paul MN, US Learning Center has a question."  I never thought my question would get through the hundreds of thousands that were being asked at the same time.  I don't believe in coincidences; I need to ponder the reason for my question being asked over everyone else's!

Elsewhere on the same pathetic page...

I get SO frustrated with the Catholic religious right wing.  There's something wrong with the church who says on one hand that we have a priest shortage, and on the other, we will not ordain women or married men.  Below is a quote from the same blog article as mentioned before.  I have spoken to Bridget Mary Meehan on the telephone, and find her to be a breath of fresh air, along the lines of Joan Chittister.  I hope she DOES get ordained...more power to her!

It has just come to my attention that one of the women to be "ordained" this July 31 in Pittsburgh isBridget Mary Meehan. 

Bridget Mary Meehan, D.Min., a Sister for Christian Community, will be ordained a Roman Catholic priest in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania on July 31. Dr. Meehan is currently Dean of the Doctor of Ministry Program for Global Ministries University, and is the author of 15 books, including "The Healing Power of Prayer" and "Praying with Visionary Women.". Dr. Meehan can be reached at SofiaBMM@aol.com. The website is Roman Catholic Womenpriests. (Source: The case for women priests, Guest Commentary By Bridget Mary Meehan,Global Ministries University)

I JUST CAN'T LET THIS ISSUE PASS...

Elsewhere on Blogger...Comments on Catholics for Obama

 TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 04, 2008

News Updates, 11/5

Catholics Go For Obama (Rev. Thomas J. Reese)
Catholic voters ignored the instructions of a group of vocal bishops and delivered 54% of their vote for Barack Obama as president of the United States. These bishops, led by Archbishops Charles Chaput and Raymond Burke, argued that abortion was the most important issue in the election and that no other issues outweighed it. As a result, they argued, Catholics could not vote for a pro-choice candidate....
[Are these Obama "Catholics", in fact, Catholic at all? I think not.]

Not to Vote Pro-Life Is to Participate in the Culture of Death: Archbishop Burke
“A good citizen must support and vote for the candidate who most supports the inalienable dignity of innocent and defenseless life, and the integrity of marriage.” 
[Polls indicate that the Catholic vote was split, generally, among both McCain and Obama. It is deplorable and repugnant that any Christian, Catholic or otherwise, would vote for a candidate for the office of president who supports legislation which allows the destruction of innocent human life, the murder of babies in the womb or outside the womb. I am so sickened and saddened that we, as a once God-fearing people, have failed miserably in the sight of Almighty God and his precious little ones by electing leaders who have no regard for life. We now reap what we have sown - especially if 'The One' follows through on his promises to undue the years and years of arduous work over the past 35 years in trying to right a monstrous and wicked wrong. Let us pray for Divine Intervention and mercy and ask our Blessed Mother and all of the Saints to pray for us as well. God suely knows that we need help!]

Repugnant???  

I think it is "deplorable and repugnant" that for the past 8 years we have been in a war that has gone nowhere, and that we have consistently used might before diplomacy.  I think it is "deplorable and repugnant" that Poverty in the United States is cyclical in nature with roughly 12% to 17% living below the federal poverty line at any given point in time, and roughly 40% falling below the poverty line at some point within a 10 year time span. In terms of pre-transfer absolute poverty rates, in 2000 the United States ranked tenth among sixteen developed countries;  In 2006, the poverty rate for minors in the United States was the highest in the industrialized world, with 21.9% of all minors and 30% of African American minors living below the poverty threshold (Wikipedia). WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS??  AGHHHHH!!!

I think it is "deplorable and repugnant" that more than 19 million women are uninsured in this country, and women are more likely than men to delay or not get medical care because of high costs; one in four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime--family violence accounted for 11 percent of all violence between 1998 and 2002. That the percentage of women diagnosed with AIDS has quadrupled over the last twenty years.  My God in heaven, the list can go on and on--and ON.

I agree...in my Catholic worldview, abortion is a sin.  But "not to vote pro-life is to participate in the culture of death?"  Come ON Bishop Burke.  I did vote pro life in the last election.  I voted for Obama who addresses ALL of these issues, not just one.  I am not a single issue voter!

Battlestar Galactica

Perhaps my favorite show, BSG is going to be over in a few weeks. The concept is that they are searching for Earth, and they've found it now, but there are lots of loose ends to tie up. I think I will go through BSG withdrawl when it is over! Here's a quick synopsys of what has happened so far:

The new story begins with 2 episode MiniSeries nearly lasting 3 hours and shocking enough to make you yearn for more. (This yearning will be addiction later on) The MiniSeries starts with all 12 colonies of human population nuked and just one Battlestar and few civilian ships left behind. So, Galactica is the remains of the 12 colonies start their journey in search of the 13th colony which has dwelled to an unknown planet called "Earth".

The series deals with a question scratching your brain "What defines a human being?" The cylons which have their own feelings, thought, beliefs and motives, leaving you thinking of "how can a human life be more valuable than a cylons?" The main axis of the story is walking around this confusing and one of the favorite question of science fiction. (My favorite movie Blade Runner also approached this question)

The characters of the series is strongly developed. Main character Adama is the one of the strongest charact ers ever written, a man who can stand solid even when whole human population is about go extinct. Starbuck is a wild character that can't be tamed. (In the original series the character was a man but now a woman for the reasons I will explain in following paragraphs) Lee Adama, son of admiral is trying to prove himself (which is kind of hard for being the son of most solid character ever) and we analyze the father-son relation evolving through out the series. Laura Roslin is the president of 12 colonies who became president as only remaining government official. She is the only one who can challenge the authority of Adama. Through out the series we are told the story by analyzing the relationship with those main characters.

The plot is built in a co mplex structure which differs from reality that the series are simulating world in different conditions, making us think "What if the world was like ...". We can say that there are signs of matriarchy in the series where president Laura Roslin is a strong woman like Starbuck who is displayed as a woman unlike the original series. The concept of God is highly present in BattleStar Galactica. The humans are polytheist, they believe in 12 Gods representing colonies while cylons are monotheist believing in one and only God. BattleStar Galactica has many references to

the real world. The names of the twelve colonies resemble the 12 zodiac signs: "Aerelon, Tauron, Gemenon, Canceron, Leonis, Virgon, Libris, Scorpia, Sagittaron, Caprica, Aquaria, Pykon". The name of characters are resembling myths; Adama for Adam (First man) , Helena Cain for Cain (first murder in the Bible).

So that all being said (I did have some help from the internet) there are many moral questions to consider about Galactica, which I'll add as time moves on!

Kabbalah

"Kabbalah is a 4000 year old living wisdom that is meant for everyone, regardless of their religious background, nationality, or level of study."  

             ~from The Kabbalah Centre International

I have been studying Kabbalah off and on for years--even before Madonna espoused the practice.  It is not a religion; it is a technology, a way to learn about our Creator and getting in sync with the light which emanates from the Creator.  There are no restrictions on who can study Kabbalah.  It's teachings have come out of hiding in the 20th century because the world has reached a critical mass...globalization.  We are coming to realize that we need each other.  What I do here in St. Paul somehow affects someone in China, and vice-versa.  Until we all realize this we will not know peace.

Currently I am taking a free online class in Kabbalah at the Bnei Baruch Learning Center.  The class meets twice a week for an hour and a half each; the first lesson is a technical lesson, and the second is a philosophical lesson.  If anyone is interested the link is provided here at the right.

Last week sometime, I bounced some Kabbalistic ideas off some friends, and they had NO idea what I was talking about; I could have been from Pluto for all they knew!  But, somehow this is a sign to me that I'm actually starting to understand some of the information I'm studying.  They say that even within one minute you will totally grasp an idea and in the next moment be completely lost...which is true.  The purpose of me sharing this at this time is that it is giving my life balance.  A couple weeks ago I attended a workshop hosted by The Kabbalah Centre called Kabbalah: The Best Kept Secret--Wisdom to Transform Your Life.  It was held at the Hyatt, downtown Minneapolis.  Truly great stuff!  I enjoy the partnering of the Kabbalah Centre and the Bnei Baruch Learning Center.  The first is a little less technical.

At the same time as studying Kabbalah, Isaac and I are studying Hebrew on the Shalom Channel On Demand.  This has been a blast as well, studying with Isaac.  He is picking up the Aleph-Bet faster than I am!  Leave it to young minds...I only wish I had that opportunity when I was his age.

I will post some things that I have learned here and there in this new blog, primarily for my own processing and learning.  I will include Franciscan thought, Kabbalistic thought, Christian thought, and other ministerial reflections I may have...Thanks for reading!

February 23rd

It was 24 years ago (I think) to the day that Molly and I started dating. I remember sitting up talking all night, walking all over La Crosse, and ending up watching the sun rise by Brophy Nursing Center at Viterbo. Ah, how romantic. I even remember eating Lay's sour cream and onion chips in the lobby of Marian South sometime that evening. We met in band the previous year; we served as president and vice-president of the band for the last 2 years of college. I remember Earl wanted to be the one who ended up dating Molly, but I guess it was my charm (ha ha) that won out in the end. We married on April 26th, 1997. We have two boys, Isaac William who was born on April 2nd 1999, and Samuel Aaron who was born on February 12th 2001. Currently they are in 4th and 2nd grade at the school that Molly teaches in St. Paul.

We moved from La Crosse to the Twin Cities in 2001 when I took a job at Faithful Shepherd Catholic School in Eagan, MN. I was the music teacher/band director there until leaving a year and a half ago--I've already mentioned these circumstances.

Becoming a Franciscan, Part 2

OK, so after leaving the Cappuchins, and Molly and I started dating again, I decided to become an affiliate of the FSPA's. A sister became my spiritual director with whom I met every month for about a year. After the year was up I was eligible to apply to become a covenant affiliate, or AFSPA, which I did. I took my vows of poverty, chastity and obedience according to my own state in life for a period of three years. Subsequently I renewed two more times for a total of 13 years. My local group changed several times over the years, but my last one was probably the one that I felt the closest to. When we moved up to the Twin Cities, it was difficult to get into another local group simply because of distance, so I let my last AFSPA covenant expire.

After a couple years of floundering I realized that I really need to have an official Franciscan focus in my life. I looked at several options, including the SFO's, all of which I just wasn't quite interested in, so I kept searching. I found a group from Rocky Hill CT which I was interested in; I read everything on their website and made contact. Thus began a new chapter in my Franciscan journey. I now feel as though I'm heading in the right direction. My group is called the Franciscans of Divine Providence, an open and affirming non-roman affiliated Franciscan group under the protection of the Trinitarian Catholic Church (see link at right for the FDP website).

I've been journeying with another friend from the parish that I work at who is considering becoming part of the group as well. I officially finished my novitiate year last August and am ready to take my temporary vows, but I'm looking for a community to host the celebration.

I don't know where God will lead me ten years from now, but I do know I won't be where I am at right now. Life in the Roman church is a bit too concervative for me, let alone working for it. Molly and I have lots of things to talk through but priesthood isn't out of the question for me.

Becoming a Franciscan, Part 1

Becoming a Franciscan has been a process that started back in college...or even before. When I was little, my grandmother had a profound influence on my spirituality. She was Catholic and we grew up Lutheran. However whenever we stayed over at her house on Saturday nights, we got to go to church with her in the morning. This had a profound affect on me.

When I was a junior in high school I decided to check out Viterbo College, a Catholic Franciscan school in La Crosse WI. I wasn't sure that was where I was going to go though. I also checked out SIU Carbondale, and WIU in Macolm where I had been to at least 5 music camps. I think it was "Divine Providence" that I ended up at Viterbo.

When I was there I explored two things: a relationship with my present wife, Molly, as well as joining the Capuchin Franciscans. I was in formation with them for a long time--I went to many places in the St. Joseph's Province for retreats and ministry days, including St. Francis WI, Milwaukee, Chicago, and a number of other places. These were good times in my life.

Through a turn in events I ended up leaving formation with the Caps and I continued dating Molly. It took her three times to say yes to marrying me, but I guess the third time is the charm.

Purpose of my Blog

I created this blog to post some of my current thoughts, ramblings, and frustrations of a Church worker who is irritated with the current state of affairs.  I have worked for the Church all of my professional career, and just can't seem to get away from the politics. 

The parish I worked at for the longest time was a great experience.  We had an incredible pastoral team; we worked hard, played hard, and prayed hard.  It started crumbling towards the end of my 17 years there when I asked for a raise (I was working a second job to make ends meet).  I was flatly denied by the business administrator.  So painfully, I left.

The next place worth mentioning is a Catholic high school where I was on the religion faculty as well as music faculty adjunct.  The principal was a jerk.  I left there after 4 years.

Next I worked at a Catholic grade/middle school for 7 years.  We had 4 principals in the time I was there, and except for the first one, they were all tyrants as well.  Because of finances they cut my music program in half, and offered no benefits.  So I left--again.

Finally, I am at a church in the Twin Cities.  I've been there for 1 1/2 years now.  God willing I will be there in 3 months--we were just told that someone on the staff is going to be cut because of the bad economy.  Here we go again.

For a long time I was an affiliate of the Franciscan Sisters of Perpetual Adoration, based in La Crosse WI.  When we moved up to the Twin Cities I lost my local group, and finally let my affiliation expire.  After a couple years I realized I missed the companionship of a Franciscan community so I started exploring, and found a group in Rocky Hill CT, the Franciscans of Divine Providence, and have been working with them for almost two years.  I finished my canonical novitiate year last August and I'm looking for a local community to do my temporary vows. I found a progressive Catholic community, but unfortunately it fell through two weeks before it was to happen.  I'm getting tired.  I needed a place to vent.

That's all for now.  I'll probably vent a couple more times this evening until I get it all out of my system...